Of Merry Weather Plays (For two)

I wonder John,

Mr. Gilkey,

When we talk about the thing

When we share the thing

Not just the moment but the question

-it’s passing through what was formerly a wall

-like air

I wonder Gemma,

Miss Soldati,

If it’s not a thing that wants out

of mystery and power

It wants

Wizards were merely wiser alchemists

They wove magiks, to be true

But in waves, of the palm

Slights of hand performed

With exquisite form and calculation

The very rock of the earth rose and fell

With what seemed a command

-no, it was reaction,

Designs upon the 7 Hills.

Anyone that crawled out from under

Forced his way up to the peak

Of a fortress mountain,

Bisected by river stream

She wore blue diamonds

To prove her smarts over tea

I just had to take a moment

Just now, to make sure I was coming back to where I had left from

Only a little further


You probably haven’t seen much for the gander here in these parts,

But my love of all things banter

Isn’t up much for anything

Anyway, not these days

Anyhow I was walking over there to Marcie’s and she just baked an Apple Pie, so I said to Marcie, that’s a lovely pie you got honey, you wouldn’t mind sharin’ a slice with a friend now would ye? Nah, she says you’ll eat the whole pie, like you did last week at your mother’s funeral. Well I said to Marcie, dang nabbit there lady, if I am gonna hear another one of your peptalks about quit eatin’ pie well you’re just gonna have to make me sit and eat it while you tell it to me straight doc. Well guess what? She got right down to her peptalk and I got right down to my pie. Dang near ate the whole thing too. But the dog got away with the rest of it, just had to do it there for a moment, to throw them off my scent. Hey can I stay at your place tonight?

Are you into anime at all?

Do you want to be?

We could make eyes like stars forever

Little pinched noses

Fit figures with tiny toes

Waists from outerspace

Still exposed belly buttons riding quite high on their dockers

Yes it’s the S

Secret in my Porn collection

That I’m in love I’m in love

With the fourth dimension

And tikki tikki time bombs

Let the lemons fall down

On the ground they sprouted up

Like chickadees

Flew in circles above the rain below

Searching for the lemon drop

For some citrus squeeze.

I’ve dated melons,

And I like grapefruit

And I love cantaloupes

And iguanas

And Lilliput

And Croatia

And Buddhism

And candy corns

No more like twizzlers

I love twizzlers

I want sweets in my mouth

All the time

Give it to me

I gotta have it

In my mouth,


Right now.

Right now is exactly the time I want something sweet in my mouth.

Peanut butter.

That’s not sweet

Put bacon on it

That’s still not sweet.

Sorry, put honey on it.

Ok that’s sweet.

But keep the bacon on it.

Ok peanut butter bacon honey.

Wait is that a pet name or a product? Because I want to try both.

I could-

No don’t, not me


Ok go ahead.

Hello Mr. Peanut Butter Honey Bacon.

That’s not what you said before, but if I were a man in your bedroom I might want to be called that.

If you were a man or if you were in my bedroom.

If I were a man I suppose. I’d rather just sit here.

Well if you’re gonna be a man about it. I’ll just sit here to be a man about it too.

Yoohoo! Honey BaconWitch Peanut Butter.

That sounds devilish, I would love that peanut butter, did you call me a bacon witch, honey?

No, peanut butter honey witch bacon.

Honey witch sounds like a brand, and you can’t add words it’s BACON BUTTER HONEY PEANUT,

Are you calling me a peanut? Or a honey peanut?

What would that even mean?

You know, like I’m a peanut.

Weird, gross, moving on.

I don’t think little things like that should ever pass into someone’s mouth


Honey Butter Bacon Peanut!   That would have to be quite the peanut to be a real or just a terrible use of the English language.

Well use your imagination, why can’t there be a Butter Honey Bacon Peanut? That would be delicious.

I don’t know about that.

You wouldn’t by that in the store? Like candied or roasted nuts. You eat that shit up.

I do love trail mix.

Everyone does. It’s a natural human emotion, the desire for the outdoors and chopping wood and growing a beard and starting a co op and communing with the animals. They are our brethren.

Whoa dude, wait a minute.

Join me and we will carve out a future together into a mountain where I’ll build my cabin inside a cave behind the waterfall from the greatest mountain in all the land. Growing warm in our beds,


Stop… Stop. Please stop. No, please. Stop. Stop it. Stop it. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

covered by the hide of every one of god’s beautiful creatures. We save their bones and give them a new life in our new line of eco-friendly animal recycling center.


Sorry you were going Full Bunyan on me.

Paul Bunyan? Yea dude, I was afraid you were gonna make blue berry milk out of your bull

Hey what Blue and I do at home is between Blue and I.


What? Oh man, I didn’t even see that coming. What’s happening to me.

You’ve got LumberJacks, it’s serious, I’m sorry I don’t know how long you’ve got.

Man this explains so much, I just bought an axe the other day, but I don’t even own a fire place.

You built a firepit in your back yard, I thought you said it was just for a party

I didn’t build a firepit, it just appeared one day

Then where did it come from?

I don’t know, I just, I’ve been having these episodes, playing in my head,

I met Ron Swanson and he lit me an organic high grade tobacco his family had been planting for centuries. It also might have been weed.

It’s just Hollywood.

It was Chicago.

Then the Lumberjacks are moving faster than anticipated, release the Straight Razors, those girls will have them ship shape by morning. The Five O’clock Shadows are clever beasts.

Why so cryptic?

It’s a play asshole.

(to audience) you guys can go FUCK YOURSELVES


Go have sex with yourselves. Not collectively, but alone, individually masturbate at home, and think of the moment, knowing everyone else in this room is gonna masturbate later by themselves. And let that influence that moment and feel free to be turned on about me jerking off, or him, or her, or even that lady. Don’t worry we got you all covered. In your own juices, at a hopefully a later time in a different place altogether. How was that?

Well it’s more polite.

I did like the part about juices.

Yeah juices are great.

I could drink juices all day.

All of them.

I could drink, apple juice, and pineapple juice, and pine juice

You mean maple syrup?

Yeah I love maple syrup.

Uh oh.


Uh oh.

What uh oh?

It’s happening!

What’s happening?


What are you having a stroke?

Hutspa mutspa, this isn’t even making any sense.




That’s my thing.

What thing?

The Thing.

That’s the Thing.

That’s the Thing.





Funky eyebrows.



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