Dutch My Dinner Pt. 2: or How Carmen San Diego Stole my Heart from Time and Space

I really can’t hold my life together
Maybe I oughta get outta dodge
I operate real well when I feel I’m taken care of
But when I’m not pampered I’m WAIT! Someone’s tampered
With the faucet I’m soaked right through to my under pant pampers
And believe me boy, you don’t want to go messin’ around with this plumber. Some troglodyte mustachio begging for stars and vegan mushrooms. He scared of the red Tulips in my backyard and doesn’t like Rick Moranis or Jack Nicholson for the same reason. It’s a far one I’ll throw it. Did we forget how to carve our names into trees? To leave a letter wrapped head to toe in teen spirit and Carmen San Diego love stories. I had the board game too, no, the CD-Rom game. It’s really about some gumshoe trying to find his lost love who just so happens to be an international art theif, whose clientele are perhaps terrorists, criminals, spies, general low lifes wielding palm trees and national treasures From around the globe. The fucked up thing is she also time traveled, therefore I’ve time traveled in chasing her, which means that neither one of us could ever know who of us are who when we were. Something like that, she could have traveled back in time and placed something on me before I was cognizant of me, or done something, anything you know! But I could do the same. But anyway I’m pretty sure she just stole more shit. There used to be a liberty bell- it was a bell that was, ok well never mind. You’ll never remember it, because it didn’t happen in this time, but- anyway what I’m trying to say it that she stole away our defining achievements, stole away our symbols, our cultural memory still alive and well- the things history books are made of- and nobody cared. People hardly batted an eye. Perhaps it was a joke someone made about the constitution went missing a long time ago, or the lady that stood welcoming the poor, our unending supply of migratory labor. So when we didn’t care she just erased it, and kept our history to herself.

God, it feels good to be a gangster. If wishes were granted I wouldn’t be alive today, God doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but he does write the jokes. How foolish to not be funny. If I lived in New York I’d be a tadpole sucking on some balls. Twere I a frog I’d be a Prince of the Pond Archduke Ferdinanding World Wars. You can see the past, happening right now, in real time. You just need to be able to teleport yourself billions of light years away instantaneously and have a good enough telescope. If nightcrawler had such a telescope, he’d be the ultimate mutant. I have no such powers…

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