Jokes I would tell if I were a Comedian (Part 4)

So I hit a rough patch just before my birthday last year.

I got evicted from my place.  Not ‘cause, you know, I’m a dick or anything, I mean sure I wasn’t paying rent or anything, but I wasn’t a dick about it.  The people who I was not paying rent to, who leased it to me, didn’t actually own the place.  So one day the real owners come in and said “hey man, you gotta leave, we’re evicting you, but here’s $500.”

Does this normally happen with evictions?  Because if so I am totally doing that again.

Seriously, sign a lease, don’t give a fuck, don’t pay rent, free place to live, then eviction and CASH MONEY!  Fuck Lessors, get paid!

I have a lot of bittersweet weird shit that happens to me, all the time.

For instance, in my family it’s become custom for everyone to call someone on their birthday.  There’s 6 of us.  Can you imagine 5 separate awkward conversations in which you’re not only reminded of getting older, but asked the exact same questions in each conversation.  “How does it feel to be 27th?” It feels a lot worse now that you’re making me think about it.  These are never short conversations are they?  You know exactly what I’m talking about, the brother that doesn’t care, the sister who’s more important than you, the other brother that also doesn’t care, the mom that wants to make sure you’ve got enough underwear and the father that doesn’t know how to talk unless he’s discussing his particular brand of politics.  All I do every year is take calls from people wanting to know how it is to be an age they’ve already been or are afraid they might some day be.

(Smiles) But not this year.  Nope.  Sorry next of kin, someone stole my phone.

Don’t worry, it’s just a 4S.

I was on the Q train and passed out after a party, you’ve all done this, I know, passed out on the train.  When I woke up I had just missed my stop in Brooklyn, and I was Manhattan bound and it was light out.  I got a full nights rest on a train.  And let me say, it’s not that bad.

I gotta say though, I love the Q train, it’s a great train to live off of.  Goes to Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens, to the beach, to the park, doesn’t go to the Bronx- basically everything you could want on a train- and it runs express!

I was in Queens recently- the Q goes up to Astoria, but before that stop are 36th ave and 39th ave, which you might wonder, why they need two stops three blocks away from each other, but what you are not accounting for, if you’ve never been to Queens is that Queens does not believe in a rational world and deem it appropriate to name 6 or 7 streets with the same name, but a different designation…

It is a 3 mile hike between those two stops.  Between which are 36th street, 36th Road, 36th Boulevard, 36th Terrace, 36th Way, 36th End, 36th Lane, 36th Pass, 36th Trail, 36th Court, 36th Bridge, and that’s just the 36’s.

That’s a hyperbole joke.

But seriously I’d hate to be a mailman over there.  But what other kind of man is there?

But seriously folks, that’s my punch line.

But seriously, the 3-day rule is bullshit. (Yes, this is my Segway)

I can’t even wait 3 days to jerk off, but you’re telling me I’ve got to wait 3 days to even text a girl?

This is the 21st Century people.  3 days is like a year when a girl gives you blue balls at a club.

See ‘cause we men go in thinking “An outing with Women AND alcohol?!  This must be an opportunity to fall in love with the woman of my dreams.”

It’s true, every guy, no matter how brohemian he is just wants someone to hold and love and kiss and caress with every fiber of his penis

Women think we’re insincere because of this, but the truth is, it only makes us more sincere, it’s like we’ve tied a dog leash to our balls and at the other end is a St. Bernard.

That’s right- a saint.

And all he wants to do is find pussy cats and slobber all over them.

He pulls us all around the room sniffing and nudging, he’s a big dog let me tell you, when he gets excited he overpowers us, there’s simply nothing we can do.  Like chasing squirrels, it’ll pull us through hell, which tend to be heavily forested with a lot of bumps and bushes.

…mmm, bushes…

But all he really wants is for someone to pet him and play with him.

It’s strangely irresistible isn’t it?

Whenever you’re just going about you’re day and suddenly you see a dog hanging out, what do you do?

You go and pet it don’t you?

I pet dogs all the time.

I love petting dogs.

..I wish I had my own…

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