Oh how fondly I recall my first boner. Do you remember yours?
Wasn’t it great? And scary as H-E double hockey sticks?
My first boner was crazy.
I was 12 years old.
I blossomed early.
6th grade I had my own bedroom for the first time. It was up on the third floor of my house, so it was always fucking freezing. So I had a ton of blankets and pillows. It was like what you imagine a sultan would slumber in if he shopped solely at Goodwill and yard sales.
Anyway so I’m rubbing myself up against this big mink comforter and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sleeping bag my dad got me for my 6th birthday. April O’neil was lookin’ particularly fine that night. So was Donatello… When suddenly and without warning that flaccid piece of skin that always dangled sadly between my legs, occasionally peeing stinky yellow tears gained magical powers, took off his wizard hat and cast a petrify spell on himself. It was ROCK HARD. I mean I’ve never been harder since that night. That’s the thing about preteen dicks- hardest dicks in the world. Except for Brian Swanson, but his is less rock and more a smoky Cherry Oak. Anyway, there I am with a piece of the Agro-Crag sticking out of me at full mast, I mean I could chop wood with this thing.
How much wood could my wood chop if my wood could chop wood?
Anyway, so it’s obviously at that exact moment that to my horror, my door opens.
And who is standing there all handsome and majestic like, but my dog, Ben.
Ben loves peanut butter… but that’s another story.
Anyhow, in walks Ben, and well, you know how we men feel about dogs… and watching…
Mind you, no one told me I was going to grow an extra bone temporarily (I didn’t know they go away) nor did I know that they explode. We didn’t get sex ed. In my school til 8th grade, when it’s basically useless for anyone except to answer important questions like “Can you get pregnant from swallowing semen or do I just rub it on my belly?”
Anyhow, there I was dry humping Mink and Splinter alike when the greatest thing in the history of the universe happened to me, immediately followed by the grossest thing to ever happen in the universe.
But like all household messes, thank god I have a dog…