Jokes I would tell if I were a Comedian Pt. 2

You know when I was young , when I was a kid  I used to think it was funny when adults used potty humor.  Like if your grandpa or Morgan Freeman were to say “poopie” Man that shit’s hilarious.

Now I just think it’s funny when kids talk dirty or say really sophisticated things.

I just want you to get a mental image in your head of, like, your four year old cousin, or niece or something, saying, in all seriousness

“I’m going to fornicate under consent of king the vulgar excrement out of your every orifice.

Get’s me hot…

I once had a girlfriend, who, when she was a little kid would walk up to adults and touch their pants and say in just the cutest lost puppy dog voice you’ve ever heard “I like doggy style and really rough.”  She’s kind of a bitch.  She just turned 28 in dog years.  Those are dog jokes.

Now for the PG content of the show:

Does anyone remember the first time they swore?

It’s an exciting time isn’t it?

You’re like in the middle of middle school, or puberty if you’re one of the lucky ones.  We all know how it starts, in grade school you dare a friend to say “shhh” and then you say “it” it works really well in libraries.

It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?  But it’s hilarious when you’re a kid.  Like certain words are off limits- like you can’t say hell, you have to say H-E- double hockey sticks, because you haven’t quite figured out what the last two letters are, you’d only gotten up to the letter K by then, and well it all seemed just so pointless after that.  At that age your mastery of the English language equates to little more than comparing letters to shapes you see on television.  You reach a breakthrough when you get to the letter “X” realizing of course that if you dare someone to repeat it fast enough over and over again you’ll have cleverly tricked them mistakenly reciting an ancient taboo word that destroys friendships, ruins marriages and make teenaged girls drop out of school. X, X, X, X, X, X

HA! Can’t fool me.

You’re trying to make me say the S-E-X word, well it won’t work.

Not gonna do it- nope, No S-E-X for me, no sir.  Can’t make me, even with a 12 inch rod.

And yes, it is. In case you were wondering.

Also a big bonus for the boys once you’ve reached the letter “O” is now you can join the L-A-O club.

Let me mark you with our sacred tattoo, right here, on your right hand, so all men, and women will know that you sir, are a L-A-O man…

Oh dear… now that I’m drawing from the other side that looks awfully like a guy masturbating…

Did anyone see that coming?

Are you right handed?  You are?  What a coincidence…  Are you sure?  You never go lefty or anything do you?  ‘Cause I could draw another on your left hand…

I wonder if kids get the irony of this…

I’m sure the girls get it, I mean guys will be jerking off on them for the rest of their young adult lives…

Nah, I’m sure the boys get it, boys have been jerking off since the dawn of time.  Boys have been jerking off since before they could jerk off.

(pretending to jerk off as a 10 year old) Ugg, uggg, uhhhhg, ugg, uggs, uh, uhh, ugg-ugg-ugg-ugg-UGG!

….NOTHING

That’s why men hate Uggs so much, it’s the same soung we all made before they could actually get off.  It’s a reminder of over a decade’s worth of blue balls.  That’s why teenaged boys always win masturbation contests.  Have you never competed in a Beat Off?  They’re amazing, a friend of mine holds the record… 1 jerk.  Yeah, seriously.  1 jerk.  Good luck beating that one.

But seriously I went through 12 years of blue balls.  For years afterwards I’d cum as soon as I saw a girl.  Which wasn’t too bad going to an all-boys school, except at school plays, they were very convincing…

Good times.

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