I Know that Smile

 

I know that smile
And it’s a bad idea
For some reason I seem to love bad ideas
They’re easier than good ideas
They just hurt a heck of a lot more

I’m trying
Show only love
Only acceptance
I show you a man redemptive
A man looking for your affections
And at every turn I am presented only with scowls
Only with silence
I crack a joke
Crack the wall for a smile, a laugh
It’d rather I go away
When I came all this way
I, I just don’t know any more

You won’t talk to me
And tell me we have communication problems
I sit before you and smile at every attack
Accept every accusation just so I could hold your hand
You wouldn’t let me so I never tried
And a kiss?
A simple kiss?
Forget about it.
She wants them flayed on a plate
Not on her lips, not on her skin
God such a fool am I.

You ask me to lunch
You want to talk
And as soon as you’re out the door
You’ve begun your assault on my senses
Perfumed, I’m bewitched, answering every question
“What did you want to talk about?”
She asks me
And keeps her silence
I tell her why I called her here
to the luncheon she called me for,
I don’t know what I said,
I had to make something up
Wanted to meet demands

Bite and scratch and scream
All right
I’ll tell you
Tell you anything
Do anything
And it isn’t enough
To win her trust
She doesn’t have any left
Not for me
And I’m killing myself with her every word
I’m slitting my throat with her nails
And spewing forth meager truths, to brighten up her eyes
Tell her
Tell lies

I wanted to hold you again
Kiss you again
Love you again
And dance

You’re hurting me
We have no safety word
You’re hurting me
For trying to be your friend
Maybe your lover again
But you’re hurting me
Just while I’m trying
To make things right,
maybe good again
You’re hurting me
Can ‘t you see that?
No you can’t
‘Cause I won’t let you
You’ve forgotten,
In your rage
That I’m human
Forgot to talk to me
When you said we need to talk
It’s my climb, up this mountain Rock
And you’re just waiting on the top
To see if I can make it

Love is a battlefield
Of that I am assured
And the girl I’m fighting for
Keeps fighting me
Is this a test?
Please don’t test me
We are both students of love
It is not our place to judge
like professors,
we may only profess it,
we both pass, or we both fail

I cannot fight you
You disarm me even now
Your eyes they burn a whole,
Away from me- my soul

I am lost at combat
Lost to batting eyes
They do not, on wing, for me take flight

Damn girl, you’re stressing me out
like I’m already a bad guy
for showing up on time
How many hoops do I have to jump through?
How many?
How high?
Is this even worth it?
What do I get in return?
You have no love for me.
You said it yourself.
You can’t trust me.
You said it yourself.
Why call me back after you’ve turned me away?
Why call me back with only daggers in your hands?
Why call me back with nothing to say?
You want me or you don’t.  Say it.
You want to work on things- Do it.
It takes two to tango, and I would love to tango with you,
so tango, or get out, and leave me alone
You want a friend or a lover, or you want me to go away- just please, please tell me.  Tell me what I’m working with.
I don’t know how to talk to strangers, I don’t know how to talk to people who don’t want to talk to me, I don’t know how to talk to people that hate me.  For what can I say?
What can I say- or do- to make it clear to you, I’m here for you, or not, in whatever way you want me.  That’s what I want.

Let go of your hate
because I’m about to let go of love.
The new year is coming, kiss me when it comes,
otherwise, see you around kiddo,
otherwise, maybe you won’t.
Otherwise, I’m not here anymore anyway,
not for someone who doesn’t want me any way.

Am I not trying?
I know I’m a masochist,
but what’s the point any more?

I thought, lets give it a try, let’s see if there’s anything left
Came halfway across this country just to check
I had no hope from you, maybe hope is a delusion we feed ourselves on when there is nothing left to eat
So I came and I saw- it was over
Merely mouthing the slim chance of friendship at me
From beyond your iron gate
It was over and like me, the dog, accepted and wondered what master might call me home
Wandering out ‘nto the night
And then from out the darkness
A kindness comes
And warms my hungry heart
Hints of love bud upon, methinks, your tongue
An opened door?
Or merely left ajar?
Beat! Leap!
Lost my head,
I sink, too deep
And forget all qualms at your hello
Feelings dither, shrink below
And in that greeting came no smile
But stayed I, and stayed
Listening awhile
To just more poison
That I had thought
Only living love
Getting covered up
I’m hungry now
I drink the bile
Thinking I-
Had made you smile
But passing strange
You have no laugh
No grin for me
-for me, the rasp
I cannot know
What brought you here,
When I’ve come so far,
To salt wounds you gave
But a fortnight before
And still ask- more?
I know not.
I know not.
I know not.
More, more, more says I!
I learn your love like a cruelty
And it rips, cries- tears, -eats inside
Grown from the whole that was my heart your spider like vines veins it’s way to loins and brains and feet and hands and my body quivers- I can’t give up those lands and more and more you’re capturing me and I won’t be whole until I’m free, but I chain me up good, just like I should, just like you showed me, ‘n’ told me it’s good.  I like your cage to strangle me, leave the breath from out my lungs, forget sweet sense, since cents our incense in a sense is bad.  Is good?  Oh my goodness gracious me, I just wanna live out my days quite happily, and you’re no fun to be around these days you make no smiles you talk both ways.  A double speak seeker couldn’t live meeker, I’m livin’ on Bleecker just for you to come to me and smile and say happily you’d like to be with me, instead I’m pullin’ teeth out the t-Rex gonna bite my head off if I don’t send a pre-text.  God what an awful lot I be, to show up at your house to just to grab some tea

I make-ah everyting nice
You see
You see
I make-ahh everyting pwetty good now
You see
You see

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