Maybe I’ll talk, and I’ll be completely crazy. Certifiably so. Looking around and I’m broke but it’s not so bad. Hop in the old life for what? For how long? Or jump ship to a new hip way of wading through the shit and comin’ out clean. Sometimes you just want to hold someone so close you forget you ever existed. And it’s dangerous, you might not come back to existence, but the danger is so hot and real, you just want to burn yourself for the hell of it. Someone please slap me, slap me harder. I’m a pussy for pain, but man do I love a good slap to the face. It’s a sick kind of something you know you could take away from someone that wanted to slap you for being trouble, for being bad in a bad way. Mmm, slap me again, I dare ya, is that all you got? Do it harder. Harder. You can’t hit me hard enough to hate it, to hate you, I’m just gonna keep comin’ back smiling. There’s a glory in being hated, in being reviled, and despised. You can hate me all you want and I’m just gonna want more. Mmmm, there isn’t a sweeter revenge than loving what the enemy has given you, no more terrifying a smile, no more horrifying a laugh than that of a man enjoying being revenged upon, though he may die, he’s robbed his enemy of satisfaction, and taken it all for himself, indeed even to the grave.
I’m so stuck in the middle of this love affair that I let go long ago, I’m still stuck to it, muck won’t let me go. Breathing heavy I need a smoke, kill me deeper, kill me deeper than I’ll ever know, and there isn’t anything else. Oh god please burn. Take light, take flight and breath be gone. Can’t recall just why I’m here, and I’m not really doing much of anything, and cut the rope I’m gone, I can’t take the heat anymore, I can’t take the lack of cold, freeze me, freeze me now, chill me to the core so I can shake myself alive, freeze the breath in front of me so I know I’m breathing, I’ve forgotten, I need to stop it, breathing, not forgetting, we mustn’t forget to forget, it’s the only way they won’t catch me. They’re robbing me of my realities, placing memories into the places I vacated, every storage space I emptied, they filled back up again, and if I’m not careful they’ll fill it all up til I’m drowning in it. Drowning in these memories that were never mine, I know they’re not, they can’t be, because I’m happy in them. I’m not happy, I’ve never been happy, and if I stop running, if I stop destroying the evidence there’ll be more happiness then I can take and I won’t be me anymore. I don’t know who I’ll be, but don’t let them fool you, it’s not me. It’s someone else. They’ll get me some day too, I know it. I’m just trying to survive for as long as possible, I’m just trying to stay ahead of the game, the hunt, they’re after me and they won’t let up, they’ll find some way to make some happy memory and fill up every room in my house. And when I burn the house down, they’ll build me a new one and pretend it’s mine. But it’s not mine. I never built that house, I don’t have a house, it burned down. I burned it down. With my mind. From far away. 200 Miles to be exact. They want me to forget that I don’t have a home, they want to remind me of something that isn’t true. But I know the truth. I know the sadness, I know the troubling, I know the pain, I hold on to that pain, and I keep it locked away in a room they can’t find, for the room is inside my heart and I keep that under lock and key. No happiness is getting in, not under my watch. As long as I can stay awake, stay alive, keep my eyes open, fight the smiles, fight the sleep, fight the dreams that bring me fake memories to make me smile. I won’t, I won’t I refuse, and you can’t make me. Just try it, see what happens when you make me smile. Then you won’t be happy. Remember the pain, remember it. It’ll keep you sober, keep your wits sharp and your senses keen. Remember the pain you keep trapped in your heart and don’t let go of it, because if you do, Boss Smiley will find you, and Boss Smiley will rip you apart with love flashing in the eyes, big smiles has Boss Smiley, and he kills you with memories that are only lies, they sting, it is a death by a thousand cuts. Boss Smiley likes you too much for you to not be covered in smiles, red smiles all over, you’d think they were ruby lips with ruby kisses, but they’re scarlet letters, scarlet fetters rob you of freedom of motion, no more crimson oil to make your body machine gun itself to safety, you’re pock-marked with rosy petals, fleshy nettles. Boss Smiley, has many smiling knives, and each one he calls happy. Run from the happy smiles if you value your sadness, you’ll remember better then, that you’re living.
Sometimes I really don’t understand the point of a continued existence. It is not even that I feel particularly upset about one thing or another, I’m mostly just ambivalent about the experience. Previous experience would tell me there are wonderful joys and love to be found on the road ahead.
Let’s do drugs.
I’m smiling Red teethed after they’ve beaten me bloody, and that’s what they wanted, my reddy smile. Spit out a tooth or two, they’ll pull more later, they’ve got enough time for teeth, I’ve got enough teeth for their time. They’ll pull every god damn one out, one way or another, the wrench isn’t so bad except when it locks on the tooth, you think they’ll just break it there in your mouth, you pray you haven’t brushed enough so it’ll slip out nice and clean and bathe you in the blood again. Boss Smiley always leaves a smile on your face, and if you wanted me sad before well it hasn’t happened yet, I’ve forgotten the sadness, I left behind the pain in an alleyway where they caught me, they couldn’t find it, won’t find it. I’ve stashed it and I’m not telling where. You’d have to be a caterpillar to find me, the walls are my friends. They’re deceiving, the walls, and they taught me how to put one up, and take one down. If it’s the last thing I do I’ll make Smiley frown. Boss Smiley thinks I’m laughing in agony, laughing in love, laughing in pain. But he doesn’t know I don’t have any left, I’m laughing because I’ve got the last laugh. I caught Happy Smile in the back, curved down my shoulders and cut a wide grin, but then, I got away, and I kept it. Smiley thinks Smiley owns all the Happy Smiles, no Smile could ever grin without a word from Boss S. I’ve taught the Smile, to turn upside down, I’m wearing it now, bleeding out, they don’t know I’ve got a Smile in my pocket, and it’s pouring warm down my leg in this cold room, lick it up. While they take a break, I take the Smile and cut myself free, wrap my hands back in the ropes, the Smile cuts every finger. I think again, tempted by the scarlet billows, I throw myself to the floor and put it all back in. I take my teeth, and place them in my other hand, just in case, you never know what a bad tooth can do to your health. Back in the chair, I’m dressed for the occasion, head to toe in my own red, and it feels exuberant. I couldn’t be happier, with my upside down Smile and a fistful of Bad Teeth, an Unbound Rope and a Cheshire look, even Smiley would be jealous. The door swings open and in walks the Grinning Idiots, underlings, standing like a row of singing trees in walks Boss Smiley, Boss takes a look at me, lips pointing on either side to either eye, they’re almost touching. “Gag him.” I laugh. Smiley laughs too. Time slows for but a moment, and the Bad Teeth slingshot my arm and force their way center brained and Mind’s eyed into the four of them. Smiley laughs, and slams strong hands gently down onto my shoulders, straddles me and starts slapping my face playfully. Giddy Smiley sings “giddy up!” He’s making me cry. “Slap, slap, slap, slap slap. You are a fun one aren’t you, like that. Like it! Hmm, madness, nonsense. You love it. This is Sparta! I am Spartacus, I am Spartacus, I am Spartacus!” Smiley pulls Happy Smiles from unseen behind pockets. Makes my thighs smile. Whatever I gained I lost, sprayed out over the room in glorious Slasher film cascades, pushes Smiley closer, our genitals touching. Smiley kisses me on the neck and I’m bleeding their joy like I’m Night Biter bitten. I’m curving my hand and lose two fingers to the Upside-Down Smile, misery after all, loves company. I groan, in one last hurrah, swing what’s left of me across Smiley’s face start low and provide a long wide arc over Smiley’s face and back down again in a permanent frown. Smiley screams. Pole vaults forward over me as I fall and crack my head, Smiley’s head bashing into a wall, mashing away the unhappy look. Turns in anger, in absolute wrathful dread and has me in cross hairs. Knees buckle, spews blood and laughs as a Smile pulls together, broken in the face. Laughing “ HA HA. So you got me. Got me, got me, got me! Well, if you think you’ve had enough, you’re not getting out of this by dying. Oh no. We’re gonna fix you up something good.” Smiley grabs a limp Grinning Idiot, Happy Smiles the throat of it and force feeds me all the happy juice. When dry, Smiley, grabs the next, and repeats. Again and again. All the while, menacing, laughing, monologue-ing “You’re not gonna feel this in the morning. You’ll never feel it. Don’t worry, you’re never feeling anything again. But you’re gonna wear MY SMILE. EVERY. GOD. DAMN. DAY. For the rest of your life, which by now, I’m sure will be quite long. You could have been happy. You could have even kept your unhappy, but nobody- NOBODY turns my MY SMILE, upside down, no frowns for you anymore. No frowns any more. I will make sure of THAT.” By the end I’m whole again, indeed more so, and I can’t shake this feeling I’m not feeling anything except for this funny stamp on my face. Straddling my chest Smiley opens wide the half smile, half frown in Snake like, sword swallowing fashion, and pulls out an instrument of extreme Cheshiredom. I don’t know what Smiley did to me after that. My face warped, beyond measure, my mind left my body, my soul hid in my toes, my heart absconded as effervescence into the heavy flow of new grinning crimson. Awareness, left, holding hands with my consciousness, out the door of the cold scarlet chamber.
Three days later I awoke, soaked, under a tree, in the middle of nowhere, it might have been said that this was a place of beauty, but I had lost all concept of the thing. I was a Cat now. Unfeeling. Insensitive in the strict measure of the word. I drifted upward, to wear, my smile was waiting. I chased after it. And it became me, and I could not erase it from my face. I could not pull it off. I could not make words without it. Indeed I could not make words, my lips sealed open wide, glued to the Pearly Whites that walled me out and walled me in. Smiley knew of walls too. I might have worried if Smiley had found my- what? I can’t quite remember. I didn’t worry about it. What was there to worry about? Smiley? Who was that? Or what? A thought drifted in through my nose- revenge, two graves. Two graves were in the distance. One was empty, the other was full. It read “Here, Lies. –Smiley” “Wonderful grammar,” I heard in the wind “this must be Smiley.” The matter was settled. I wandered on on all fours. A hair pricked up on my back- somewhere else someone was asking me a question. It’s a little girl. I became a smile in a tree. I looked over the branch, oh silly thing, I laughed, I can laugh now, I smiled, I can smile now, ‘I’m not mad” my ears told me my lips never moved muttered in excess, cheeky, undisturbed in a happily disturbing tone- “We’re all mad here…” Wondered, who “we’re” were. What a land to wonder in, what a wonder to wonder, wandering into a wondering Wonderland.