The Dark, Seeping up from under me…

[Blank] wants to forget everything about [Blank]
Forget The way [Blank] laughs
forget The way [Blank]’s body feels against [Blank]’s
[Blank] wants to forget [Blank]’s smile
Forever
Because [Blank] can’t stop
[Blank] sees a woman’s face and [Blank] wants to kiss it because [Blank] sees only [Blank]’s face,
[Blank] sees puppy playing and recall when they’d nip at [Blank]’s [Blank] then tumble to the ground in [Blank]’s arms in sheer exhuberance for their young puppy lives.
[Blank] thinks all these moments that have passed… And think only of what they could have been if [Blank] were there, with [Blank], every step of the way.
Sounds that it’s enough to make a man or woman go crazy
Silence that will fishy swim upstream and downstream upstream up
Little fishy fly fly up up up little fishy swim upstream down upstream little fishy swim Goldstream now both street now both streamed up
Little fishy swim little fishy swim little fishy swim down down down
Little fishy Sween little fishy dream that she streamen dream cream and stream float up up up shiny bright shining light swim moms my mom just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep dreaming on
Swimming stream swimmy dream dimly dimly in the day
Corrupt Sucato little fishy kiss kiss kiss where are you now my little fishy my little fishy little fishy may
May someday swim swim upstream upstream upstream now
[Blank]’d still be down for something chill, relaxed and sexy.  But emotionally, it’s over.  Unfortunate.  [Blank] knows [Blank]’ll be incredibly torn up as soon as [Blank] finds some one else. [Blank] would probably give up hope before [Blank] died, and that moment when it was lost, did [Blank] receive [Blank]’s freedom.
Freedom from hope let me out of the gates of hell
[Blank] climbed [Blank]’s way so the masses could see [Blank]
Standing tall
If [Blank] is going to be miserable [Blank]’d rather be miserable in [Blank] by [Blank]self.

Riding the F back to my [Blank]
Feeling like home
Don’t give a fuck ’bout what came before
Friends or no
[Blank] gonna make something of [Blank]self
In [Blank]
In [Blank]
This is [Blank]’s town
Looking at the set up and [Blank] got it
Get some extra work in the background
Developments in [Blank] voice burst out in voice work
Podcast poetry spittin’ rhymes hip hop style
Singin’ tunes you can’t write true without the [Blank] in alls a you

If this is the response [Blank] get from Rocks and pebble friends even good old sandstone, well then I have to say I’m good with this Rockaway beach, always Rockaway Rockaway rock away from me, then rock away my Rockaway baby.

But if the sands, in time, present you, in softer fashion and smooth over our differences, then perhaps I can join you out on your island.  I will stand upon the pier and look o’er sea and air for the Earth to move beneath me.   And when the night Winter at last has come I will tuck myself away into my water cave swimming under hollowed stone where tides can trouble me no more, I unchanging but the slow passage of time, beyond perception of man to say I have changed, I have changed in my holy water hollow.  Carve out a life, with work, stone chisel in hand cut back, cut out, hammer through subtraction to the glory bits of self.  Nothing else here but homemade home and the tools to carry me there.  My friends are pen and paper pals, my friends are good books, my friends are music, my friends are Internet connected, electronic and lo-fi.  My lover is in my arms, my lover is in my eyes, my lover is in my heart, my lungs, legs, blood, brain, breath, hands, feet, face, shoulders ankle, stomach, back

12/1/12
[Blank] hates this.  It’s all meaningless, like, why [Blank] am [Blank] in [blank] if [Blank]’s not with [Blank].  [Blank] always makes it about the [Blank].  Where would [Blank] want to be if it wasn’t for [Blank]?  [Blank] with [Blank] maybe, not really, [Blank] guesses [Blank] doesn’t really know.  [Blank] has been surprisingly helpful in all of this.  Maybe [Blank] will just join the military, [Blank] doesn’t have much else going for [Blank], [Blank] could use the dental and the debt repayment, [Blank] doesn’t want [Blank]’s life anymore, doesn’t any one else want it?  You can have it.  Try and think [Blank], where will you want to be when you get out of this depression?  Fuck having a home [Blank]’d rather be on the road, [Blank] came back for a [Blank] who doesn’t want [Blank], and [Blank] doesn’t know where else to go, [Blank]’d work on 18 [Blank] if we had the funds, [Blank]’d do the [Blank] trail if [Blank]’s [Blank] was going, [Blank]’d hop on any film set that’d have [Blank].  [Blank] came here with such plans and obviously [Blank] was not up to snuff if a few words from [Blank] could break [Blank] down so easily.  So completely.  Maybe [Blank] means more to [Blank] than [Blank] realized.  And all [Blank] wants is [Blank].  Does [Blank] want to give [Blank] a thimble?  Is [Blank] ready to give [Blank] a thimble?  Why would you do that if you already know [Blank] doesn’t want to be with you?  To win [Blank] back.  Is that what you really want?  Yes.  To be with [Blank] forever?  Yes.  Really?  Well maybe not forever, but, yea.  Seriously [Blank]?  Seriously.  Are you just saying this because you’re sad and depressed and lonely?  No.  Well then.  What do you need to do?  I don’t know…

[Blank] goes through this cycle and it’s really starting it annoy [Blank], Facebook, email, okcupid, reddit, Facebook, email, okcupid, reddit- round and round until all the hours have past and it’s late and [Blank] has accomplished nothing- nothing- nothing at all.  A part of [Blank] really wishes/hopes/believes that [Blank] and [Blank] are going to get back together, it’s a dangerous thought [Blank] knows, [Blank] was so confident that [Blank] would want [Blank] back, though maybe [Blank] does, [Blank] just has more self-restraint than that.  The other part of [Blank] recognizes that what’s past is past and it is better that way, even if [Blank] do become friends again. [Blank] played out a fantasy in which [Blank] invited [Blank] to [Blank] at her apartment, and [Blank]’d be the good guy and leave the party at an appropriate time. Or [Blank]’d be one of the last to leave, and [Blank]’d ask me to stay, maybe [Blank] would, [Blank]’d be defending [Blank]self all night from a horde of haters who had seen [Blank] happy with [Blank], [Blank]’s abandonment of [Blank] and now [Blank]’s sudden return, but it’d all be worth it to see [Blank] smile and place [Blank]’s head upon [Blank]’s shoulder and relax into bed together naked and alone.  [Blank] keeps supposing that [Blank]’s body will feel right again after all of this, could it not?  [Blank] yearns for that warmth so desperately, so desperately.  [Blank] should not be speaking about any of this to anyone.  It only goads [Blank] on further.  Every word from [Blank] [Blank]’s heart skips a little beat.  Dangerous, [Blank] knows.  This is what [Blank] wanted isn’t it?  A life in [Blank]?  I think [Blank]’ll be around til [Blank] then we’ll see what happens…  [Blank] thinks it makes sense to have a home base here, finding a place we can call home, but subletting when [Blank] needs.  [Blank] thinks [Blank] could have been really happy with [Blank].  [Blank] mean really, [Blank] doesn’t think that would have been a bad life by any means.  Was [Blank] in love with [Blank], yea, maybe, did [Blank] love her?  With every fiber of my being, it astounded [Blank], everyone else since [Blank] has not compared to [Blank] in some way, granted [Blank] thinks [Blank] was an equal match, but that’s just it, does [Blank] want a [Blank] or does [Blank] want a [Blank]?  Is there a compromise?  Can we meet in the middle somewhere?  [Blank] wants a beautiful, beautiful [Blank], who’s vibrant and exciting, intelligent and articulate. Bonus if [Blank]’s a performer.  Someone that [Blank] feels [Blank] can protect, but that [Blank] feels safe around too.  Someone that feels like home, and damn the sex must be incredible.  Honestly it comes down to the [Blank] and the [Blank] with [Blank] let’s be honest, not just that [Blank] had a nice [Blank] but that it was just the right size and shape for [Blank]’s body, like [Blank] felt about [Blank], puzzle pieces fitting together.  That’s important.  Also the [Blank], not just the size and shape of them, but [Blank] loved how [Blank] let [Blank] play with them, let [Blank], wanted [Blank] to bite/suck them hard, loved when [Blank] put both [Blank]s in [Blank]’s mouth.  Ultimately it all comes back to nights with the window open laying exhausted in [Blank]’s bed, smiling drifting off into sleep, awaking to watch [Blank] put clothes on and ripping them off, that moment in the mirror when there hadn’t ever been something so beautiful, that night at the beach.  All of it gone now- isn’t it?

Still feeling like disappearing, feels as though it wouldn’t much matter to many.  [Blank] can always come back [Blank] supposes.  [Blank] feels terrible.  [Blank] wants [Blank] to be miserable. And happy.  [Blank] hates seeing [Blank] happy, [Blank] hates seeing a picture or a post or anything else by or concerning [Blank] and yet the instant [Blank] sends [Blank] a message [Blank] is swooning again and [Blank] HATES THAT.  [Blank] wants someone to make [Blank] forget it all, [Blank] wants to forget [Blank] face, [Blank] body, [Blank] smile [Blank] everything.  [Blank] will in time [Blank] is sure…
Why did [Blank] come back here?
[Blank] doesn’t need this, [Blank] really doesn’t.
[Blank] is not obligated to stay here, for any reason, whatsoever.  [Blank] has an obligation to [Blank].  [Blank] will honor that.  [Blank] has an obligation to [Blank].  [Blank] will honor that as well.  [Blank] thinks [Blank] may stay in the [Blank] for a few more months, maybe this [Blank] will work out. (Nope.  It didn’t.  It hasn’t.  It won’t.)  Who knows.  [Blank] will stay in the city until [blank], if [Blank] get gigs after that from anything [Blank] does between now and then [Blank] will do those as well.  Otherwise [Blank] is leaving.  And [Blank] is not coming back, for a very, very long time.  [Blank] would rather be a stranger in a strange land than a stranger at home, which is what [Blank] has made me- no, what [Blank] has made for [Blank]self.  These are [Blank] choices and [Blank] must take responsibility for them.  [Blank] is done with the thoughts of suicide, and [Blank] doesn’t care too much for these bullshit [Blank]s.  [Blank] really doesn’t give a [Blank] anymore.  [Blank] would rather put a bullet through my head.  [Blank] would.  Unfortunately [Blank] doesn’t own a gun.  Or bullets for that matter.  [Blank] really wouldn’t give a [Blank], [Blank] knows people would be sad, well how about [Blank]’s feelings?  [Blank] doesn’t want to [Blank] anymore, had you stopped to think about what [Blank] wants?  [Blank] knows it’ll get better, [Blank]  just isn’t interested anymore.  [Blank] doesn’t care if it will get better, that [Blank]’ll fall in love again, that [Blank] could be happy.  It’s all a clever ruse you people pull in order to keep around those that don’t want to be around anymore.  It will get better, and then it will get worse, or just as bad, or maybe not quite so bad, but still bad.  Seriously [Blank]’d rather be a blip in someone’s memory.  [Blank]’d rather be forgotten in a week.  [Blank]’d rather be that aching pain in someone’s belly, [Blank]’d rather be the tears in your eyes, [Blank]’d rather be the anguish in your heart, [Blank]’d rather be the sadness in your soul than put up with this [Blank] another day.  [Blank]’d rather be the nights you cry yourself to sleep than wait around long enough to forget you.  [Blank]’d rather be all the daggers that creep into your gut at the very mention of my name than be here another day.  [Blank]’d rather be forgotten as the sad story than live it.  [Blank]’d rather be the blood on your face when [Blank] pulls the trigger in front of you.  [Blank]’d rather be the bits of flesh and bone and brain that paints the walls around you.  [Blank]’d rather be the sick on the floor when my stomache wasn’t pumped.  [Blank]’d rather be the drool seeping out the corners of [Blank]’s mouth into the pool of my own dead fluidity.  [Blank]’d rather be the mucus stuck to the pavement, [Blank]’d rather be the rope that broke [Blank]’s neck, [Blank]’d rather be that last gasp for air, [Blank]’d rather be that bullet exploding through [Blank].  [Blank]’d rather be the rocks the ocean dashes [Blank]’s limp body upon, [Blank]’d rather be the water that finally takes [Blank] under, [Blank]’d rather be the pill, the hammer, the knife, the gun, the pillow, the knot, the fall, the rock, the gas, the flames, that finally take [Blank].
[Blank] had it all, [Blank]’s whole life.  [Blank]’s whole life [Blank] had it all.  And [Blank] was sick of it, couldn’t care less about [Blank]’s life of Riley, and now it’s all gone.  All of it.  And [Blank] doesn’t have the strength- [Blank] doesn’t want the strength to put it all back together.  [Blank] wants to go.  Just let [Blank] go.  All of you.  It’s all over anyway.

A young man woke up next to me, woke me up too
Had some heavy things for a man’s ears to hear
I handed him a gun then (I always kept one in the nightstand) and said “be done with it then, I’m going back to bed”. It was quieter than I expected, only disturbed by the thought red darkening my bed spread when I got up the next morning, by then it was sticky, I knew there wouldn’t be much left I could do for my sheets.  Too bad.  They were nice sheets.  Troubling dreams last night.  Whatever.  “Coffee?”  Oh right.  There’s no one else here, anymore.  No need to speak my mind, I’d be talking to myself aloud.  Might as well do it in silence, in my head.  Coffee?  Why yes, thank you!  I can take care of the sheets later.  The damage has already been done.  They’re not going anywhere anyhow.  Not anymore.  Mmmm.  Nothing like a good ol’ cuppa Joe in the morning. Hot!  Hot!  Hot!
I guess I should probably clean up the bedroom before I take a shower.  Otherwise it’ll probably stink up the whole apartment.  Maybe it already does.  I should light some incense.  Mmmm, Lavender.  Hmmm, would you look at that, put a hole through the pillow and the mattress.  There we go.  Barely made it through a floor board.  Thank goodness it’s under the bed.  I guess it’ll have to stay on this side.  Maybe it’d be easier if I call someone, I’m sure there are people that handle these kind of things.  Police or some such.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s