You Lost That

Days spent in contradiction
In love with what I removed
Standing by what I hateloathedetest
Seriously what is it this kind of life
Living
But I’ll be removing bits and pieces not on the trail
I’d divorce her first than force her into my love affair
With fantasy fiction realizing dreams she couldn’t possibly desire perhaps I’ll come back to this, ages hence and smile and say dear you let me get away
I didn’t let you do anything I tried to hold you here for as long as I could but you wouldn’t, couldn’t stay
You squirmed in my clutches and writhed away
You broke out of my Heart clasping hands and broke me, anyway you could to be out unfettered by my love chain
So I unchained your heart for you, made it easy to walk away, made it easy for you to forget me, easy for you to stray, easy for you to hurt me, I let you in, deep in, inside of me and let you peek through the holes to find me, let you watch my insides writhing, watch my soul torture and soar, watch my smiles erupt from my belly and kiss you and kiss you, and kiss you. I let you find that place within me, and all I wanted was for you to stay and dwell inside of me so maybe one day you’d open up too, and I could crawl inside and feel what it’s like to be part of you. I miss you but I’ve taped my mouth shut so it’ll be easy for you to forget me, I’ve sewn my mouth up tight so you’ll never hear my cries, never hear my laugh again, never hear my whispers at night “oh, how I love you, love you, love you” tuck my head under the sheets I washed so as not to smell you, stuff my face in pillows in cases perfumed with me and fabric softener, soften the blow when I remember your head rested here too. I can’t read the books you’ve given me, can’t eat where we ate or talk of shows we watched together on my couch in a constant state of shifting weight for comfort yours or mine until both satisfied we drift off into the dream of shared experience. I extricate myself everyday from you, with paperwork and pages i can’t wonder you’ve read, with friends to help ignore or downplay, with videos that tear my mind away for a moment that this was happiness in our laps, between us was a shot, a chance, at something real, something true, not just you and I, a passing romance, but hands I’d hold until I die. you’ve lost that.

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