Jokes you could tell to no applause:

Jokes you could tell to no applause:
“Hey thanks anyway-”
“I remember your mother sounded just like that last night…- Dead”
“I remember your mother sounded just like that last night…-Still Asleep.”
“I heard you the first time.”
“If you keep shutting up I’ll give you something to shut up about.”
“Are you dead yet?”
Alarm Clock goes off “Hurry you’ll be late for school”
Alarm Clock goes off “Don’t worry you’ve got ten more minutes, just hit the sleep button”
Alarm Clock goes off “Shit! Is someone calling me?”
“I bet you didn’t know I could do that.”
“I have that effect on women too,”
“So who’s goin’ to Doug’s place tonight?”
“Thank you for that moment of silence, Bob was indeed a great man, and he’ll be missed by many…”
“The Quiet Diet. Nice. My sister actually developed that diet- she’s a mute now, we bring her around at family outings, keeps the tip jar full you know.”
“I saw Tommy too once. Tommy can you hear me?”
“I saw Tommy too once. Can you hear me?”
“Is this thing on? Oh wait I don’t have a microphone.”
“Is this thing on? Oh yes I can hear myself.”
“Is this thing on? Oh yea, it’s like an echo-echo-echo-echo-echo-echo”
“Do we get microphones? Wait, do I get a microphone?”
“And now our next act, World renowned unspoken word artist: You Assholes.”
“I damaged your father’s kidneys last night too, but with disappointment.”
“Don’t worry I’ve been more disappointing.”
“Nice. I like the strong silent types. I bet you could body surf me.”
“I haven’t written this joke yet. Wait for it… Wait for it… Wait fo- Ah shit!”
“I have a time traveling joke. You won’t get it until after you laugh in a few minutes.”

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