Atlas Throws a Pity Party

I must be some big old slobbering blob sobbing sadness
I rant and rave at raves too radiantly some say, appears to be madness
I can’t stop the bullrush of tears
welling up in side of me,
running of the bulls brings fears
what if they catch me inside me?
I’m terribly lonely
and not for lack of friends
I’m terribly lovesick or love hungry
I’ll take anything that moves
just so I can slowly cry
and hump their leg.
I’m begging to be poked with pins
Make a pin cushion out of me,
so I may let out this, get out this steam

For over a year I’ve been crying softly sadly
movies make me shiver shake ‘n’ quake
a good story told, avert my eyes
they’re streaming dear
and I don’t know why
I’m crying at everything
I’m a mess inside

I don’t want love right now
no I don’t want to marry
I just want someone to hold me
no one’s held me since the fire.
every hug, no matter whom,
seems a bit too short
I’d rather stay there locked forever

I just want love right now
in whatever form
I just need love right now
any shelter from this storm
the rain means so much more
to the man
without a roof o’er head
then to the man resting
in the comfort of his own home.

Help me build my home again
and I will help you build yours
our home is one and the same
Won’t you be my neighbor?

Realized in speaking with the Fam 4 (or 3 as the case may be, or 2 if you’re not counting me) that I’m not really in dire need of love. Much to my relief, that search is obviously so painstaking and annoying and what not and will go on for quite awhile. But I realized I’m still just very emotional over the fire, not to mention the emotional events of this past year. Indeed since turning 23 things have been rather turbulent. I believe they’re beginning to settle, finally. It’s been long enough. And yet the beat goes on. And the beat goes on. But it’s coming into focus that I don’t necessarily need or want the love of my life to come walking through the door right now. But rather that I’m really emotional (and with good reason I think) and I’m not entirely ready to be just kind of bouncing around the marketplace so to speak. And so I desire companionship. Simultaneously it’s not really fair of me to just unload my burdens onto another person, who is also just looking for a little romance. And yet I still desire this companionship. I worry about what the future will hold for me romantically. I worry, as always about romance. I find I am almost always annoyed by my romantic tendencies. Everything else I am cool with. Maybe by assuming that I’m not good enough, or that I’m too weird, or just don’t get it, I cut myself off, and shoot myself in the foot. Because you know what, I’m a damn fine catch thank you very much. And FUCK YEA I’m weird, and I hope you are too, and I’m proud to be that way, because I am who I AM, and I’m not ashamed of that. And you know what? I do get it, I get it all, I’m in touch, I just gotta take the leap. Yea we’ve been down these past few months, but starting this instant, we’re no longer feeling bad for you. If you’re going to cry, cry. That’s fine, but we’ll do it smiling. We’ll do it with meaning. We’ll dance our hearts out, and if you don’t like it you can fuck off, or do something else. We’ll do it with style, and hell, the fire might have claimed my clothes but it cannot claim my attitude, because attitude is style and my attitude was fully covered anyway and at a price you cannot beat down. I’m not too cool for school, I’m so cool I don’t need to be cool anymore because I found something better- me, and you cool cats, you hipsters, tryin’ to rock the town don’t know shit ‘bout rockin’ it out, and I will bring it down, bring ya’ll to town and show you how the dip trips die’n fall to the ground and get back up again, because I AM HERE MOTHERFUCKER, I AM LOUD AND PROUD AND I AM NOT GOING HOME, because my secret is- I don’t got one. So I’m going big, and you’re either on this bandwagon or you’re getting the hell off it, because I am the shit that rocked New York City, and ya’ll don’t even know it yet. I put my smile on yesterday so I wouldn’t cry, I put it on today so you wouldn’t cry, I’ll put it on tomorrow so no one will ever need to cry from shame again. Liberty brothers, sisters- we’re here, we’re doin’ it. And I will lead the way so get the fuck outta my way, if you ain’t part of the solution, you’re part of MY problem, and trust me you don’t want to be MY PROBLEM, cause that’s a journey that the same you will not return from, and you’ll be hooked to my devilbreed, my tricks and treats that give your soul something good to eat and you’ll never look back. I need a good cry like we all do now and then, and maybe that’s now, and maybe that’s then, but I’ll tell you I’m strong, I’ll take this great big world and I’ll put it on my shoulders, because Atlas merely shrugged it off, he didn’t know nuthin’ about no shoulders, not like these, lifted big whole earth boulders these shoulders. Let’s see you on the flipside and I’ll catch you jive turkin’ me for three dollars by the pier for a handfulla cream. Suck it Atlas. and get the fuck out’ma way.

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4 comments

  1. Dear Itadlos,
    I know these emotions.. I am walking them every day since a few years now.. I only yearn for companionship and not a committed relationship anymore.. One it’s tough to find, two- there’s just no guarantee. With the experiences I have collected, it’s become tougher to find someone to my match!!
    yet, I am happy and contented 🙂
    Very strongly expressed the summary portion too!! Though I won’t have needed to read that; I read that to know more of you..
    You write very well.. xox

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