A Visit- Expectations

The moment I step off the plane, I’ll feel your every vibration from your exact location waiting by the car.

When I go to retrieve my bags from baggage claims, my hands tremble in anticipation.

Before I’ve even seen you, as I step out into that Californian air, I can smell every molecule of your body, inside and out.  Something tells me I’ve always been here.

When I see you- it’s all over.  Whatever decisions, expectations, thoughts or resolutions we had come to melt away with the words we had prepared.

When you see me- it’s all over.  Whatever decisions, expectations, thoughts or resolutions we had come to melt away with the words we had prepared.

And that hug of feined friendship that screams of so much more, tantalizes each folicle of hair standing on end, soothes each cell of skin tender, tense and anxious.

That’s when who we were dies again, and we’re allowed to be born once more, in whatever image we desire most, in whose ever arms we desire most.

………………………..Sigh……………………………..

That’s when, right then, that we smile at one another, and lie to ourselves and lie to each other, playing pretend, that we are just some old friends, that this is just a visit, that this isn’t the beginning of a means to another end.

We step into the car, drive away, away, and we talk about little things “what’s up” and the flight, about the play we’ll see, guess what it’s “Romeo & Juliet” and how he’s playing Balthasar.  We talk of the borders between lovers, though star crossed, they can’t.  We talk of the bedrooms, single, solitary, we speak plain, we speak flat.  Keeping eyes on the road, for to cross is too much.  We talk of plans, don’t know what.  We speak with smiles, it’s exciting, still don’t know what.

“You’ve arrived on a rather special night, it’s one of the master’s affairs” you say with a Rocky Horror grin, and I know you mean nothing of the sort.  We’ll go for drinks, that you’ll love and hate yourself for drinking, we’ll go dancing, but not too much, your legs can’t take my dance today.  To the zoo too, where mating birds make you cry.  To the late night talks where we stare each other down into the depths of ourselves, drowning painfully in another’s eyes.  A temptation perhaps that sits upon a hill and waits, while the world speeds by all around.

And I will sit and watch it pass me by, and leave with hands unheld, ungrasped, untouched.  I will deny your kisses, your advances, for your honor, for your trust.

I remember myself standing before the Pacific, for the first time, and perhaps the last- at least for awhile.  I sit and watch sailboats in the distance, children screaming with joy, playing in the waves, I watch the Sun go down on beauty, and the people return to their cars, to their homes, I stand and feel a great and lonesome wind enrapture me, as the last hints of day pass away into the night, naked, I breathe the night’s cool embrace, lost in the shadows of the deep blue waves, I am free for a moment, I am whole.

In the air once more I look down at tiny dots that make up the land and it’s people, I faintly desire pushing out my window and falling leagues to an end as something so miniscule.  But to those dots, it is only carnage and despair.  Tears and misunderstanding.  As I look down on those dots I notice one that sparkles, and I like to imagine it’s you, you looking up at me, or driving in your car, and we’re both crying,  sad and miserable as every word we left in our heads and hearts ring out and echo as loud the great deafening bells of Notre Dame, we feel ourselves as Quasimodo’s not even half human, but a mere quarter for allowing such inhumanity, such cowardice and at our own hands too. I remember those fake heavy smiles that couldn’t help but pull down at each corner, and that long hug goodbye, that still isn’t long enough, we stain each other’s back with our own tears and pretend not to notice, as we’ve done the whole time.

I remember this and laugh to myself on the plane.  I sigh, and feel content to know I’m not so alone any more.

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