So in order to break myself of this habit, I guess I must first look at why I do it. I think that in a lot of ways I procrastinate because I am afraid of my own greatness, that if I deliver with this project, people will always expect me to deliver. However in lowering my performance I lower people’s expectations of myself, and that is somehow easier to bear than all that I have to offer the world. I want to do so much, but it’s often taking the first step that gets in my way at least in terms of academics, “I can do that later,” “I don’t need to study I do well on tests and paper’s naturally.” In terms of some of my larger goals in life it is an inability to sustain my first step. For example I repeatedly state that I want to learn an instrument. I took drumming lessons, a piano class. But never practiced after one hour of practicing. Before my dreams can be realized I need to put serious work into them. They will not realize themselves.
Therefore I must call on my greatest foe; structure, and make friends. There is too much in my head that needs getting out, and onto paper. Things to accomplish this year, this summer, this month, this week, this day, this hour. I know I also like working with people, and work best with others. Although I don’t know how much of that is lazy reliance on others, and how much is an actual need. Balance comes to mind.
I know other people struggle with procrastination, I call those people friends. But has anyone awakened themselves to the idea that we aren’t getting as much as we want done? Has anyone been able to change? I don’t want to procrastinate my whole life, and must move forward and away from my belief that I have procrastinated my youth away.
Coming home is always difficult for some reason or another. I feel the pressure of my phenomenal family, and in the face of that I want to do well, but find myself piddling away my time, or that I’ve already piddled so much away already that I won’t be able to make up for time spent for another twenty years, of which they’ll still then be 20 years ahead of me. It is perhaps most difficult with those people I love that I find so amazingly talented. I feel I have been a great bullshit artist, so no wonder I am an actor, and enjoy improvisation. I’m just afraid I can’t do anything that I honor and enjoy so much as well as half of my friends- especially music.
I’m on the verge of something that I don’t know what it is but it’s coming and all I can do is submit to it, and I hope that it’s really something phenomenal, that will lead me to that stellar performance, that act that captures hearts and changes the hearts and minds of tyrants and breeds among my peers and my people a feeling of something truly special, that now is something so vague, all I can do is keep pulling on the golden rope, the golden chord that somehow brings harmony to myself and to performance. I don’t think there is an end to that chord.
I must think positively. I have 15-20 years experience of playing video games, not instruments. But video games have given me something as well. I don’t know that I can say that spending my time for so long doing anything is inconsequential to my life and the way I live it. They have given me problem solving, tactical thinking, mindless self-indulgent practicing, hand eye coordination, an eagle eye, they have developed my imagination and my critical eye, they have taught me how to assess choices and confrontations, and to think on my feet.
Which leads me to procrastination, doing it for so long must have done some good for it has also lead me to think fast on my feet in doing last minute projects, helped me to make quick yet creative choices, has given me a penchant for enjoying life, people and the world around me, given me a meditative outlook on life.
So I cannot look on the past negatively, perhaps most especially because I have enjoyed so much of it, and I do enjoy the person I have become. It is only in the enjoyment of other’s practiced talents that I find myself lacking, but there is always more time for practice in the areas in which I do not naturally, or through practice excel. Therefore I will continue to write, as it is one of my primary talents and practiced form of expression. And through writing I can get the enormity of my dreams down upon a page for myself to see and act upon and not merely imagine. In the end I must recognize I am a gifted person, and perhaps have not bloomed as others might have because I am a different organism on a timeline of my own. I just hope it’s just as exciting in my works culmination as other’s are for me now.